Hi!
We're Ayanda and Khotso.
We are good friends, we grew up in the same neighbourhood and we talk about everything together.
Today we are talking about families.
We all start and end our day from a place
we call home.
Home for different people is a different environment.
For some it is a hut shared with gogo and older brothers and sisters.
For some it is a place where mama and timer, aunt and uncle and siblings live.
And for others it is a place shared with other kids who look after themselves and have a neighbour that helps with tasks such as washing clothes, cooking meals and doing homework.
Whatever type of home you belong to, one thing is the same; wherever you start and end your day, you live with people whom you call your family.
Why is home such an important place and why is it so important to have a family?
Well, it's the place where you belong to a group of people. Mostly your closest or dearest; a place where you can share support and care and feel loved.
It is also the place where we first learn about our gender.
What does that mean, gender?
The word 'gender' indicates the things a boy learns from very early childhood about what it means to be a boy and how a boy should behave. In other words, how a boy learns to be masculine.
And likewise, what a girl learns about being a girl, or being feminine.
This is taught to us from when we were very young by our parents, community, culture and society. As children, we don't realise that we are taught these things, directly and indirectly. And we don't question what we are being taught, we just accept these 'lessons' as 'the truth' because we don't know any different.
I think that I understand the difference...
I live in a girl's body, but that does not mean that I have to be totally feminine. I can have both feminine and masculine energies in me.
Yes, you are right! Even though the masculine energy in me is dominant, there are also 'feminine' activities that I enjoy. For instance, I really like to babysit my little brothers and sisters. My friends sometimes make jokes about that, saying that it's not my job to take care of little kids.
I understand that that might make you feel misunderstood. But I guess your friends were taught by their parents and culture, that taking care of little children is a woman's job.
What else do we learn from our parents and culture about being feminine or masculine?
We learn things like... what kind of sports girls and boys are supposed to do or watch...what kind of toys boys and girls are supposed to play with...what kinds of chores they do at home...what kinds of jobs they are supposed to do...
Ja, now I realise that I have a lot of these stereotypes too! And I never really questioned if they were right... But now that I am more aware of them, I can start thinking about it more critically.
Above all, our families and culture teach us from very young how we are supposed to behave towards the opposite sex.
Young boys see the older men around them and how they behave towards women. And girls learn from the behaviour they see of older women towards men. This can be very positive when your role-models are living in harmony and when they respect each other.
But in some families there is no closeness, no care or support.
Sho thing!
In fact, in my fam we waste airtime by talking too much about what the ladies and what the gents should be doing.
And I have seen some of my bra's families where they are always fighting. Not just on gender issues..
also about money issues or because a family member is suspected of doing drugs or crime. Sometimes it is because the parents force their children to do things the children don't like, like going to church…
Ja, I hate it when my parents force me to do something. It makes me angry. It only leads to lies and rebellion.
Shu! Lots of stuff happens in families ne?! Wouldn’t it be great if we could find a way of solving all these problems?
Well, we could spent more time together. When we eat together,for example, it gives us a chance to talk about our day with each other.
Sho! Talking will help build a strong relationship. All the quietness makes us feel like strangers.
…which means we probably don’t trust each other enough.
We will most likely fight...
…and in some families that leads to violence where people hurt each other.
So, you think it all starts with how we relate to our family members?
Ja, I love it when my bra, Tim, encourages me to do well in a test…it almost makes me get better marks…eish, if I think about it, I never wish my younger sister, Lindi, good luck for her netball games.
Eish….and sometimes my sisza, Rebecca asks me for help with her Maths homework.
But to be honest, I don't help her very often...
Why not?
Ummm…I could probably find time to help her. But that would mean I would have to stop being lazy.
So how can a fam use the little time it is together to show that it is a caring fam?
Well, my gogo used to spend time after dinner every night with my aunts and uncles living in the house, planning the chores for the next morning, who'd warm the water for washing ourselves; who'd clean the floors after breakfast; and who'd help us young ones with our school stuff.
My gogo used to call us to sit on her big bed when we woke up. We'd get a chance to say what we needed a special blessing for that day and then we'd sit quietly, with our eyes closed, wishing each person that blessing from our hearts. I’m sad we stopped doing this when she died.
I’m sure that beginning each day in such a beautiful way made your entire day great.
It's true, I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling low and irritable, my classmates don't seem to want to spend time with me. But if I’m feeling strong, happy and peaceful inside, it’s like everyone wants to be with me!
So the choice is yours; you can wait for others to treat you in the way you would like to be treated…and feel miserable about life if this does not happen…or you can first offer others what you would most like to be given yourself.
And the place which helps us to feel good about ourselves more than any other is our home.
This is also the place where we can first practise “Ubuntu” being helpful and kind towards others.
As a responsible and caring young person, you can be a leader in your own life by taking the initiative to help build a home where there is support and love.
Then, you will be a positive role-model not only to your younger brothers, sisters and cousins but also to the adults in your life.
We hope that you will positively use our advice!
See you next time!
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