Solving conflicts through I-messages (30 mins)
You might remember Thandi from Unit 2, who was laughed at on the way to school because of her hair. Thandi used an I-message in this conflict - “I feel angry when you laugh at my hair” - which helped her to express how she felt, without getting into a fight. When we use I-messages, we are communicating assertively, without being passive or aggressive.A good way of stating an I-message is as follows:
I feel ... (state your own feeling here - not an idea or judgment)
when you ... (tell the person what he/she has done to make you feel this way - keep to the facts)
because ... (give them a reason for why this action makes you feel this way)
and so .... (tell the person what you would like them to do instead).
An example:
I feel frustrated
when you wear my clothes without asking my permission
because I need to know that you respect my belongings
and so I would like you to ask me next time you want to wear something of mine.
In the slides above, you read about a number of conflicts between learners. Working in pairs, write an I-message for each of the conflicts below that would have resolved the conflict nonviolently.
1. Govan did not help Thembi with her homework (write an I-message that Thembi could use).
2. One guy is trying to get his friend to start smoking dagga (write an I-message that the guy who is being forced to smoke could use).
3. A guy has just come up to a girl and grabbed her buttocks (write an I-message that the girl could use).
4. Adam, who was hit on the head by a soccer-ball (write an I-message that Adam could say to the guy who kicked the soccer-ball).
5. Debbie who did not understand Sesotho (write an I-message that Debbie could say to Lerato).
Now back again with the whole class, look at some of the I-messages that learners have come up with. Why do you think I-messages help to resolve conflicts?